I've been thinking about how paranoid i've become online due to past experiences which is a shame because i feel it makes me seem like colder person than i actually am, i love making friends, there are many people who have messaged me to be friends and they all seem like the sweetest and i'd love to get to know everyone and meet more people, i just really really hope that people understand my distance and caution towards everyone comes from a place of fear from past experiences and not from judgement or malicious intent... It's just the side of my brain with an irrational fear of betrayal. I've made great online friends who i love dearly but it took an ungodly amount of time and effort to be able to trust them like a normal friend. Some of them i only got close to after meeting them in person.. Right now i've had way too many friends than i'm used to for years that i genuinely love and appreciate, i used to wake up expecting the worst from everyone and now i get hit with nothing but genuine authenticity and love from these people. However i do respect the dedication and the lengths some other people go to make things up about someone they don't like just to have an excuse to isolate them from everyone else and make themselves feel morally superior, insane to think that one of the things that scarred me the most happened because people believed complete lies about me with no source, and then had the nerve to feel bad about it once they found out that it was a lie

Some people who have hurt me deeply that sent me paragraphs of apologies on different places multiple times and i feel so disconnected from everyone after the slightest break in trust that even after the most heartfelt apology i don't feel like looking their way ever again but i wish i could. The apology messages still stay in my inbox, it's been 3 years and i still haven't opened one message and read any of them, i'm not curious at all, i saw them first from the notifications but i'm not planning to read them fully anytime soon... Even though i used to love someone wholeheartedly i just can't get myself to trust them again after such a deep cut, i can't get myself to care about them even though i want to! I want to care about you but i can't, and i can't force my emotions to work a certain way

Onto whatever i'm up to, i recently went back to making music and actually managed to have fun creating something, i've been getting real bored and overwhelmed drawing so i guess trying to create something in a different branch of art this time helps. Music scared the hell out of me despite my big interest on it, i somewhat managed to overcome it because i tried to understand how it works by comparing it to making drawings... I thought me worrying about which instruments and sounds or whatever the fuck to use could be equivalent to worrying about which brushes and colors to use, this probably doesn't make sense at all and might even be wrong but it made me feel less afraid. Other than that i traveled to another city for vacation with a friend, whole lot of bar hopping and watching Shameless and trying amazing cocktails and attending the local metal band concerts... Also working on commissions at the same time! I'm having lots of fun working on them and i've been struggling a bit financially so i'm very grateful that there were people interested...

Tried to make Gin fizz..? Or something uh sort of close to it. Maybe a simplified version. Maybe a broke version of it. It was so good though and you only need gin, 2 lemons, powdered sugar and soda! Easiest and tastiest cocktail i've made.. I'm not adding egg whites into that thing i was scared i'd fuck it up. Made it three times now i hope the reason for my guts bleeding wasn't because of the alcohol right. Right. Either way everything was great

Done with finals i got my ass beat real bad but i also think i did fine, i struggled a lot to focus because i kept opening my laptop to study then i ended up coding something completely unrelated to what i'm supposed to be studying. Once again i slacked off a bit at times but i don't care i want to have fun, having fun is the only thing that's been on my mind lately i feel like i'll explode if i don't do something **I** want it's like torture these days,

I went to play billiards with friends at the end of the first finals week as celebration, it was really fun and i had a shit load of beer! I missed beer so much i wasn't allowed to drink A WHOLE WEEK. A WHOLE WEEK CAN YOU BELIEVE IT. But anyway i'm done and free now. Rewatched Bojack Horseman with friends (again) they loved it, they convinced me to start watching Shameless but they aren't aware that it takes me a godly amount of power to be able to start a show let alone a simple movie and i really hate this trait about myself i'm missing out on a lot of good art due to my dumb brain! Watching anything or reading or playing games all make me feel weirdly guilty for some reason, i always feel like i have to DO something rather than watch if that makes sense but that's not good either. You have to have a good balance of both right... I can't seem to get that through my brain but hopefully i will one day

Speaking of movies i coded a small site for my friend Bruno! Who's also a great with movies, he's got amazing taste in art which is why i wanted to code a blog for him.. I thought a personal site would be very handy to share his thoughts and i was having way too much fun coding so i jumped right into it, you can check it out here!

Also as of writing this i actually lied i have 2 more exams left, but they're easy so i'm BASICALLY done with finals. Hohahaoaho

Currently i am either up to bullshit or actually working. Mostly drowning in assignments and whenever i end up finishing an assignment i celebrate it for 2 days by 1- getting beer outside, 2- deciding to get cocktails too, 3- realising that it's getting too late and i needto sleep 4- wanting to be a naughty boy so i crash at my lovely friend's house instead 5- potentially get beer again if i can find some 6- stay up until 4-5 AM talking about whatever with friends and ignoring the fact that we all have class at 8 in the morning. But i have the most fun on these days. I've been staying up to have as much as fun as i can, i wonder if my antipsychotics have anything to do with it...

Also i've been binge watching Trafficked with Mariana van Zeller... Insanely absorbing series i love it. Perfect to watch while having breakfast, my breakfasts used to last an entire hour now they last 1,5 hours. I need more documentary recommendations similiar to this one, National Geographic documentaries in general have a grip on me at the moment but i'm not complaining at all

I have a thousand pictures to share but i don't wanna blow up a single blog entry with images so i'll put them on my photo gallery later. I like this picture of my ugly beard though (beautiful to me)

First (test) entry.. There were a lot of times where i thought "Wow i want a blog" but also kept procrastinating on the blog part.. I don't have a lot to say so look at this image i took on my birthday of the amazing food my friends prepared instead. The image is pixelated for some reason but i kept it that way because it looks funny but also because i've been playing Tomodachi Life and it reminded me of how the food looks in the game