I think i go through a weird cycle every year around these months where i need to shed my skin entirely, cut off random habits and people no matter how attached i've gotten to them. And then replace everything with better things... It's not something that's supposed to be too serious or dramatic, it's more as if there’s a quiet clock in my head that counts down the shelf-life of my current habits, routines, and even connections. When the time comes (i don't know when the time comes, but when it comes i can feel it) i think it's time to let go, not out of malice but because i feel like i have to, and then my entire routine and the people i have, the things i own, change entirely. It's overwhelming during the transition but i usually come out feeling way better afterwards.. But I’ve reached a point where I can sense the expiration of a phase weeks before it happens, and I’ve learned to accept that "letting go" is just a necessary part of moving forward! Will i let these habits go entirely? Most likely but there's always accidental reunions in the future which i'm not upset about. I prefer being a temporary person to other people in every aspect

My lats hurt real bad as i'm typing this but in a good way. My big fat ass decided to lay off the carbs a little (especially beer) but i still needed protein for my muscles. As a student who lives in a dorm that won't allow them to cook while also serving meals with dogshit nutrition what did i do? Ordered double cheeseburger, a meat soup and 2 kibbeh's. Good enough protein. I guess. Along with 3 thousand billion fats but honestly as long as i get the protein in i don't care...

Speaking of 3 billion thousand did you know Google's name is inspired by a branch of science called "Googology" which is basically the study of large numbers, really really large ones. I've probably talked about this to everyone i met but i was perplexed by this science (ESPECIALLY Graham's number!) when i was 16 years old for whatever reason and i still am due to unfortunately still being a math nerd. The names they give these big numbers are ridiculous it's really funny.

I was supposed to feel a little melancholic while writing this blog post but writing about Googology just shifted my mood entirely and i'm not melancholic anymore i feel incredibly joyous.

A Googol for example is 1 followed by 100 zeros. Imagine That. Also the name "Googol" was coined by a 9 year old (wow), the nephew of American mathematician Edward Kasner.. Which is sweet and funny. The number below this text is 1 Googol.

10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000

Alright so that did not fit the blog container but i will keep it that way for the dramatic effect. There's a hundred zeros after 1.

After a Googol comes a Googolplex which is a 1. Followed by. A GOOGOL AMOUNT OF ZEROS. Absurd. There are many more types of insanely large numbers with ridiculous names, one other is Megafugagoogol (Don't laugh) which equals to googol↑↑googol. Now what the hell do those arrows mean? Those are called Knuth's arrow. Which you can guess are used as a method of notation for writing out garagantuan numbers. Now i was supposed to talk about myself and my life updates and my thoughts in this blog post but clearly i think explaining how the Knuth's Arrow works sounds much more fun right now.

One single arrow " ↑ " next to a number is just another way to write an exponent. For example:

2↑2 = 2² = 2 × 2 = 4

3↑4 = 3⁴ = 3 × 3 × 3 × 3 = 81

Things get different with double arrows... A double arrow is called a "Tetration" which means you'll repeat the exponentiation, it's also called a "power tower" because the more arrows there are the more exponents will add up on top of the number which will form a tower, with more exponents not only will the tower get taller it will also repeat the process with each arrow.

2↑↑4 = 2²²² = 2²⁴ = 2¹⁶ = 65536

Think of this example like building a tower of four 2's. If it was 3↑↑5 it would be a tower of five 3's (3³³³³)

Then there's a triple arrow " ↑↑↑ " this represents pentation.

Let's solve something that looks as simple as 3↑↑↑3, i'm sure the outcome of this will be very miniscule

Breaking this down into steps makes it easier to understand. 3↑↑↑3 means 3↑↑(3↑↑3) so it's like a chain reaction. It's easier to solve it step by step. So first we have to solve 3↑↑3.

3↑↑3 = 3³³³ = 3²⁷ = 7,625,597,484,987 (7.6 trillion)

Now we'll take that 7.6 trillion to the main equation:

3↑↑7,625,597,484,987

There are roughly 10⁸⁰ atoms in the universe and this number already supprasses that. All came from a simple 3↑↑↑3

I hope that was somewhat understandable and interesting at the very least, i am a disgusting selfish but happy animal i'm paranoid and i trust absolutely nobody except the old man i shared a cigar with at the park

I've been thinking about how paranoid i've become online due to past experiences which is a shame because i feel it makes me seem like colder person than i actually am, i love making friends, there are many people who have messaged me to be friends and they all seem like the sweetest and i'd love to get to know everyone and meet more people, i just really really hope that people understand my distance and caution towards everyone comes from a place of fear from past experiences and not from judgement or malicious intent... It's just the side of my brain with an irrational fear of betrayal. I've made great online friends who i love dearly but it took an ungodly amount of time and effort to be able to trust them like a normal friend. Some of them i only got close to after meeting them in person.. Right now i've had way too many friends than i'm used to for years that i genuinely love and appreciate, i used to wake up expecting the worst from everyone and now i get hit with nothing but genuine authenticity and love from these people. However i do respect the dedication and the lengths some other people go to make things up about someone they don't like just to have an excuse to isolate them from everyone else and make themselves feel morally superior, insane to think that one of the things that scarred me the most happened because people believed complete lies about me with no source, and then had the nerve to feel bad about it once they found out that it was a lie

Some people who have hurt me deeply that sent me paragraphs of apologies on different places multiple times and i feel so disconnected from everyone after the slightest break in trust that even after the most heartfelt apology i don't feel like looking their way ever again but i wish i could. The apology messages still stay in my inbox, it's been 3 years and i still haven't opened one message and read any of them, i'm not curious at all, i saw them first from the notifications but i'm not planning to read them fully anytime soon... Even though i used to love someone wholeheartedly i just can't get myself to trust them again after such a deep cut, i can't get myself to care about them even though i want to! I want to care about you but i can't, and i can't force my emotions to work a certain way

Onto whatever i'm up to, i recently went back to making music and actually managed to have fun creating something, i've been getting real bored and overwhelmed drawing so i guess trying to create something in a different branch of art this time helps. Music scared the hell out of me despite my big interest on it, i somewhat managed to overcome it because i tried to understand how it works by comparing it to making drawings... I thought me worrying about which instruments and sounds or whatever the fuck to use could be equivalent to worrying about which brushes and colors to use, this probably doesn't make sense at all and might even be wrong but it made me feel less afraid. Other than that i traveled to another city for vacation with a friend, whole lot of bar hopping and watching Shameless and trying amazing cocktails and attending the local metal band concerts... Also working on commissions at the same time! I'm having lots of fun working on them and i've been struggling a bit financially so i'm very grateful that there were people interested...

Tried to make Gin fizz..? Or something uh sort of close to it. Maybe a simplified version. Maybe a broke version of it. It was so good though and you only need gin, 2 lemons, powdered sugar and soda! Easiest and tastiest cocktail i've made.. I'm not adding egg whites into that thing i was scared i'd fuck it up. Made it three times now i hope the reason for my guts bleeding wasn't because of the alcohol right. Right. Either way everything was great

Done with finals i got my ass beat real bad but i also think i did fine, i struggled a lot to focus because i kept opening my laptop to study then i ended up coding something completely unrelated to what i'm supposed to be studying. Once again i slacked off a bit at times but i don't care i want to have fun, having fun is the only thing that's been on my mind lately i feel like i'll explode if i don't do something **I** want it's like torture these days,

I went to play billiards with friends at the end of the first finals week as celebration, it was really fun and i had a shit load of beer! I missed beer so much i wasn't allowed to drink A WHOLE WEEK. A WHOLE WEEK CAN YOU BELIEVE IT. But anyway i'm done and free now. Rewatched Bojack Horseman with friends (again) they loved it, they convinced me to start watching Shameless but they aren't aware that it takes me a godly amount of power to be able to start a show let alone a simple movie and i really hate this trait about myself i'm missing out on a lot of good art due to my dumb brain! Watching anything or reading or playing games all make me feel weirdly guilty for some reason, i always feel like i have to DO something rather than watch if that makes sense but that's not good either. You have to have a good balance of both right... I can't seem to get that through my brain but hopefully i will one day

Currently i am either up to bullshit or actually working. Mostly drowning in assignments and whenever i end up finishing an assignment i celebrate it for 2 days by 1- getting beer outside, 2- deciding to get cocktails too, 3- realising that it's getting too late and i needto sleep 4- wanting to be a naughty boy so i crash at my lovely friend's house instead 5- potentially get beer again if i can find some 6- stay up until 4-5 AM talking about whatever with friends and ignoring the fact that we all have class at 8 in the morning. But i have the most fun on these days. I've been staying up to have as much as fun as i can, i wonder if my antipsychotics have anything to do with it...

Also i've been binge watching Trafficked with Mariana van Zeller... Insanely absorbing series i love it. Perfect to watch while having breakfast, my breakfasts used to last an entire hour now they last 1,5 hours. I need more documentary recommendations similiar to this one, National Geographic documentaries in general have a grip on me at the moment but i'm not complaining at all

First (test) entry.. There were a lot of times where i thought "Wow i want a blog" but also kept procrastinating on the blog part.. I don't have a lot to say so look at this image i took on my birthday of the amazing food my friends prepared instead. The image is pixelated for some reason but i kept it that way because it looks funny but also because i've been playing Tomodachi Life and it reminded me of how the food looks in the game